We Just Found Out That A Lots Of Families Have ‘Poop Knives’ And It’s Really Hard To Process

Poop. Knife.

These two words should never go together and yet here we are. We are already aware that Internet is a weird place and it harbors some of the most disgusting and weird confessions from people.

However, I am sure this ’embarrassing’ confession by a Redditor takes the cake. The redditer behind this story goes by the name ‘LearnedButt’ which seems to be very appropriate and he starts with an elegant icebreaker “My family poops big.”

Following is the full story.

[Light] I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife.

[Light] My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question – Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

Our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife?”

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

I just can’t get my head around the fact that shared their poop knife.

I mean while having a poop knife is bizarre enough, sharing it just takes it to a whole new level that i’d rather not think about.

The hilarious thing however is that he wasn’t even aware that not everyone requires a knife to get their poop to flush.

Turns out, he isn’t alone.

Some people had their own embarrassing family secrets to share.

We had a pee jar. My Dad used to keep a tupperware on the kitchen window sill behind the curtains and when he had to pee, instead of walking to another floor where there was a toilet,. he’d pee in the jar and dump it down the sink, then rinse it with hot water. My mom would throw them out and then he would replace them. Me and my brother used them for years before we realized how weird and fucked up it was. You’re not alone

I’m not sure that needed to be said out loud.

old rusty kitchen knife

Let’s be honest here. That ain’t rust.

Now you might want to go to reddit and read other ‘hilarious’ comments but I urge you to get that thought out of your mind right now! Because believe it or not, you will be scarred for life.

Do you have any embarrassing family secrets to share? Or perhaps you and your family uses the poop knife or a poop ruler? Comment on below and let us know.